This post differs greatly from the formats of my other posts on abuse recovery. I was inspired to write a letter to the abusers I’ve encountered and all the ones I know out there in the world who are still hurting others.
Writing can be an incredibly powerful tool for healing and empowerment. It serves as a portal for us to create a reverse discourse to the abuse we may have experienced over the course of our lives from various sources. I hope I can speak on behalf of many victims of abuse in this post. I also invite you to also write your own “Dear Abuser” letter in the comments section below. You can share this post or your own on your social media networks using #SurvivorLetter.
Please note that all letters should omit names of the person/people being addressed. The purpose of this exercise is simply to empower you with a creative outlet for your emotions.
Nobody deserves to be abused, harassed or bullied. The more we speak up for ourselves, the more we speak up for others.
A Letter to All the Abusers Out There by Shahida Arabi
Dear Abusers:
You may not know me, but I know you. I’ve been involved with you, and though you come in many different appearances, shapes, sizes and backgrounds, you are all more similar than you think.
You feed upon the insecurities of others. You make cutting sarcastic remarks to belittle others, because you will never know the joy of elevating others or respecting them the way they deserve to be respected. You are condescending in tone, manner and attitude, because you want so desperately to believe you are the powerful one in every interaction. You are physically aggressive, emotionally depraved, sadistic, destructive and poisonous.
Here’s news for you: you are powerless. You are powerless without supply. Powerless without a victim to believe in your lies. You derive your sense of superiority from another’s subjugation. Your power is dependent upon a victim’s psychological investment in your false image, not your true self.
Each victim you come across, each victim you use as an emotional or physical punching bag, will eventually leave or be left by you when you realize you can no longer control him or her. The victim that stays will be the unlucky one, forever enslaved to your mind games. Even so, little by little, you will have to up the ante on the power ploys in order to maintain power and control.
How exhausting it must be to try to play puppeteer to someone whose strings you’ve entirely manufactured; you will never have the pleasure of receiving love and affection from a pure source of willingness, but rather from a place of fear, a place of trauma, of enslavement, of necessity. Your audience or harem does not count, as no one besides your victims know the real you. Even if they have caught glimpses of who you are, they do not love who you really are. How difficult it must be to realize that you will never be truly loved, and that you will never truly love another person.
You so desperately want to believe that within every relationship, you are a “catch,” more intelligent, more attractive, more desirable and more accomplished than the victim whose energy you drain every day like the emotional vampire you are.
The truth is, you are none of these things. Every victim you target is inherently morally, spiritually, and intellectually superior to YOU. That is because victims of abuse do not have to abuse others to gain a sense of self-worth or importance. They already feel whole just as they are. They derive fulfillment not from harming others, but from helping others. They feel joy in showing compassion, respect and empathy for their fellow human beings. They give love without hate. They know that we are all interconnected, and that hurting another hurts themselves. They have genuine, authentic accomplishments and success that they don’t need to defend or boast about in order to feel good about. They have a conscience you can only imitate.
You, on the other hand, live in a world of brokenness, of false pride and fragile egotism. You realize you are truly alone, on the inside, regardless of how much power and pull you think you have over others. Surrounded by adoring fans who know nothing about your true intentions or your malice, you start to recognize that they, too, only care about your prestige and your appearances.
One day, your false image will shatter and the world will see you for who you truly are, and not who you pretend to be. One day, your victim will walk out the door. One day, you will look at yourself and realize that had you spent more time healing and loving, rather than fighting and hurting, you would be one with this world and not a destructive force within it.
Copyright © 2015 by Shahida Arabi.
All rights reserved. No part of this entry may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
I also invite you to also write your own “Dear Abuser” letter in the comments section below or as your own blog post (with the hashtag #SurvivorLetter and a link back to this post). Please note that you should not include names or identifying information of the person/people being addressed. The purpose of this exercise is simply to empower you with a creative outlet for your emotions. Although I addressed this letter to abusers, I truly wrote it to empower and validate victims themselves – to motivate them to express themselves through other outlets and gain their own closure through exercises like writing the “unsent” letter.
Please share this post and stand up against emotional and physical abuse.
Image: A Love Letter to Survivors by selfcarehaven.wordpress.com
My strongest trait is my ability to always make an incredible comeback from a devastating setback. What’s yours? #Survivor #Abuse #Recovery
— Shahida A. (@selfcarehaven) October 26, 2014
A Letter to All the Abusers Out There – write your own using #SurvivorLetter http://t.co/eHDLVFetvp via @selfcarehaven #abuse #recovery
— Shahida A. (@selfcarehaven) October 26, 2014
To learn more about recovering from emotional trauma and staging your victory from abuse, please see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print.
This blog post is protected under DMCA against copyright infringement.
About the Author
Shahida Arabi is a graduate student at Columbia University, the author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care, a bestselling Kindle book also available in print. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies and mental health advocacy. You can check out her new blog, Self-Care Haven, for topics related to mindfulness, mental health, narcissistic abuse and recovery from emotional trauma, like her page on Facebook, and subscribe to her YouTube Channel.
To learn more about recovering from emotional trauma and staging your victory from abuse, please see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print.
The ideas in this blog entry have been adapted from a chapter of this book and are copyrighted by law.
Self-Care Haven: Home of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care by Shahida Arabi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. In other words, you must ask permission if you intend to share this blog entry somewhere, and always provide proper credit in the form of a link back to this blog as well as my name.
S.
Do you even know what you did to me? Are you capable of knowing? By cutting me out of your life like a meaningless, invisible object? You took my vulnerability, and my love..and you smashed it in front of my eyes. What kind of person can do that to someone who loves them so much? What kind of person does that to another human being who has shared their soul, their world and their heart with you? Unreservedly. Honestly. Meaningfully.
You can. You are that kind of person.
My guts are torn out, my mind is dead. I fight everyday to regain some sense of composure and understand for WHY, why did you do that to me?
One day I was the love of your life, your future, your children’s future, my children’s future. Beautiful Kiwi Girl.
The next day I was zero. Gone. Expelled. Cast off. Forgotten.Replaced. And not by words to my face…no, I didn’t even deserve that. You told me I was worth nothing by text message. You couldn’t even destroy me in person.
So here I sit, again. For another day..fighting to regain my foothold in a world where I seem to constantly trust and love only people who will eventually abuse, disappoint and destroy me a bit more. Until there is nothing left because I’m so blind to how I do it..I don’t even know the way forward anymore.
I relate to every word of this and with the horrible horrible pain. Hard to finally understand we actually meant nothing to them after all the beautiful words they spoke. Its a head fuck. they cant really love. I pray for you peace in time it can take a long time. <3
Thank you.. 🙂
I’m getting there, feeling better day by day.
I appreciate your reply a lot. I just can’t believe how this happened to me again, it hurts so bad.
Thank you. x
Sadly there are too many survivors who all know the destruction the abusers cause a false mask then the realness comes out. I too am a survivor of more than one in my life, now I am learning all about them so I never make another destructive mistake for they destroy you for awhile time you heal and come back stronger than before…now is my time to be the strongest I have ever been before so ex abuser of 3 years you did not win it was your loss by far infinity ……………………………………………………………………………………Truly …….
Thank you Jill and emergingfromthedarknight for your support of other survivors. We are all stronger as a result of these experiences – it gives us even more resilience and the drive to live out our purpose, giving back the love & compassion our abusers never had to the world. Much love and blessings to you all <3
shetheprophet, thank you for sharing your heartfelt letter. I am sorry for the pain you have suffered. There is no reason for why abusers do what they do – however, you still have the ability to love and feel compassion for others. That is a strength and not a weakness, even if abusers make it seem like the latter. YOU, and all the love you can bring to this world through your purpose, are the way forward. Blessings to you on your journey to healing. <3
Dear Abuser,
at times I am still very much in shock, because it only has been for weeks. You came home one night and said that we needed to talk. You said that we where never happy in Chicago. You said that you are in love with someone else and that you are leaving me. You then also said that you loved me. When I asked you what I was supposed to do know with my life (I just had moved across the world to be with you) you said that it was my life and not yours. Then you also told me that you are like a dog and that you needed a new dog toy. You also told me that you were in love with someone else then.
Then I run away in panic and never turned back. I took my job, my apt and you took my soul and heart…you treated me like a peace of sh…
Dear abuser only now do I realise that I had been in an emotional abusive relationship with a narcissistic person. It was always about you! It was your dream to move back to your home country. Your dream to open up you own business. It wasn’t my dream, but I thought I was in love with you. And yes I admit it sometimes I still miss and I probably still love you.
Now when I look at you in photos I realise that you never smiled, you hated the holidays, you even told me once that you hated people and you hated sex.
You punished me with your silence treatment and you also criticised me constantly. Here are some examples:
You talk to much
You are not a morning person
Why do you always have to do everything last minute.
You hated that I liked people. You hated that I like comics, graphic novels and children books.
I am still in shamble but I will never ever ever in let anyone treat me the way you did.
You always needed to be admired but the truth is you are a miserable, bitter, and evil person.
You will never ever find happiness because you don’t even know what that means…
the worst was your rage though..it came out of nothing and I had accepted it as something normal…
it was never ever your fault, nothing is ever your fault – is it?
Your rage is coming from a very dark, lonely and empty place…and that is YOU!
I am not bitter or angry at you right now. Even so sometimes I wish that you go to hell..but that will not help me healing.
I am surrounded by friends, family and people that love and care about me.
I know that I will survive this.
I set you free.
Please set me free too and let me go..
Fritz, thank you for sharing your letter with us. With abusers, nothing is ever their fault. We are always the target of their rage but you are right in saying that it comes from a “dark, lonely and empty place.” Leaving our abusers to that place is a sort of hell that they’ll have to deal with on their own and without our enabling behavior. You already have the power to set yourself free – and you have already taken the first step by saying that you set your abuser free. Blessings to you on your journey to healing. <3
To my abuser, You know exactly what you did to my Daughter, our Daughters, My Mom, & me, yet you tried to DENY it & make yourself a hero. I forgive you because of who I am, how My Mom raised me, & Forgiveness is something I do in Honor of God & ALL He has done for me!!! Denying it does not make it go away & someday we ALL stand before God & the Truth is already known. Confessing would have given you Peace but instead you choose the way of a mealy mouse coward.
Rita, thank you for sharing your letter. Forgiveness, towards our abusers and ourselves, can help our healing immensely. It is a challenging but rewarding process of triumph to be able to let go and move forward. Wishing you all the best on your journey to healing and recovery <3
You left when i was in Cancer treatment after I sponsored you into the country and supported you and your family. You cheated on me and when I called you on it you called me crazy. You would disappear for hours, days and weeks and refuse to take my calls.You gave me no ending except your walking out of our home into the home of another woman. You broke my heart, my spirit and my trust. I have lost something in myself and I am not sure I will ever find it again. The worst thing, however is I know it did not affect you at all.
kompamakesmelaugh, I am deeply sorry for the horrific pain you’ve had to experience. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your letter with us. You are so very strong and an inspiration to all the survivors out there. Congratulations on surviving and thriving – you are a true warrior. Blessings to you on your journey to healing your mind, body and soul <3
to my abuser
you shattered my image of happiness and love. after you, i can no longer allow another to get close to me, i can no longer allow another to “control” me, i can no longer let my defenses down, i can no longer be happy……. you sucked my life force out and spit it on the ground. you forced me to abort my baby. now i am 55 and alone. i hope you rot in hell for eternity
j daniels, thank you for sharing your letter with us. I am deeply sorry for the pain you have experienced. It can be so difficult to trust again after experiencing abuse. I have faith that you will move forward from this. My wish is that this experience will make you even more of an incredible warrior than you already are. Do not let your abuse take away your right to love, feel happy and live out your purpose in this world. Do not let this experience take away the power that is deep within you to survive and thrive. Blessings to you on your journey to healing <3
Dear abuser, I have no pictures to remind me of your face, I don’t need one, your evil smirking face is imprinted in my mind. I feel nothing for you now. Your steely eyes, tells me all I need to know now that I do know who you really are. You enjoyed putting me down, making me feel worthless, didn’t you? You treated it like a sport. But guess what, it didn’t work as well as you hoped because I thought you had a level of autism. You appeared to me to be totally incapable of social awareness, until I then saw how you were with your friends and realised it was just me you were socially inept with. I wondered what on earth you were doing being in a relationship with me if you found me so offensive. But you enjoyed it didn’t you, I was your sport. What did hurt me most of all and has left me not being able to trust anyone, is how you had been cheating on me from day one, putting me at risk of catching some sexual disease, the lies, the constant lies I now know about. How you called me a mental case for even contemplating you were having an affair behind my back. How could one human being treat another so, is beyond my comprehension. You used to make me chuckle when I heard your conversations with friends about how you have an HND in Horticulture, lol, I got that for you didn’t I? I wasn’t even allowed to go to the presentation evening. I wonder why, It cant be guilt as you don’t have that. While I was doing all the work, you were no doubt chatting to the women you met on dating sites. You were always looking for someone to tell you how amazing you were and how intelligent you are. If only they could see what I see, they wouldn’t want to know you either. They like the person you really aren’t. How does that make you feel, good no doubt. I pity you. I feel sorry that you will never be able to love anyone. I would like to thank you for making me aware that there are people like you out there, and not something made just for TV. Evil does exist. I may have spent and wasted 10 long years on you, but you have made me a better, stronger person for it. I take sh”” from no one now and I like the new me. I just pray that I never get to see your face for real again.
Marie, thank you for sharing your letter. It is beyond our comprehension how abusers can treat other human beings because it is beyond our own capacity to commit such heinous acts. I am deeply sorry to hear you went through ten years of this hell, but am happy to hear you have embraced the strength you have gained as a result of surviving and thriving after this experience. Continue to take no shit and honor your boundaries, values and your right to happiness. I wish you the best on your journey to healing <3
Dear narcopath,
You try to make yourself feel better at my expense, tried to destroy my personhood in order to bolster you, try to destroy important relationships in my life but I have something to tell you…you failed.
You saw my love, my boundless, selfless love as a weakness to be exploited. You saw me as a pawn to be used in a game I was unaware I was even playing, you tried to use me to destroy others….well you failed.
Love is what uplifts me, love is what sustains me, love is what gives me strength. You will never know what true love is because you are too damaged to even recognise your own damage.
You didn’t make me stronger, you damn near broke me. The people who made me stronger were the people who loved me, who saw the broken wreck you left behind and picked up the pieces, one by one, and stuck them back together. Who gave me back my sense of my unified self after you had fractured ad warped it as you sucked me dry of all my emotions.
I no longer love you, I no longer hate I now feel complete neutral towards you. While I don’t wish you any harm I cannot, and neither am I prepared, to have you back in my life. You are dangerous, you knowingly use people up and discard them. I have learned my lessons, I will no longer accept you as a conscious part of my life. You are my past, I have learned from you and now I’m moving on with out you to a life filled with love and wholeness that you can only dream of.
You no longer have any power over because I choose to remove that power. I choose to put my love of a mutual friend of ours above the hurt, humiliation and pain you caused me. I will not let you destroy the love that I share with my best friend of 10 years, I choose not to let you destroy the love I have for your ex-step daughter and step son, In short I will not allow your toxicity to destroy me any more.
Having you in my life was like acid burn. The acid continues to burn deeper even after the spill is wiped away. Well I say ‘NO MORE!’ I say I choose love over damage, love over hurt, love above all tings because love is everything and more.
You will never understand me because you will never see me, you will never see my love as a strength only as a food source. Well my heart truely breaks for you because I know the true feelings of kindness and attention, I know that people love me because of my spirit my emotional core. People will only love you for your status or until you reveal your true self to them.
Good bye, narcopath…with all my heart and soul goodbye. You hold no power over me.
Wow, thank you so much Lara for sharing that beautiful and empowering letter with us. I love (hehe!) that you’re choosing love over fear, hurt and damage. “Love is what uplifts me, love is what sustains me, love is what gives me strength.” This is such a wonderful sentiment. I believe it is truly the sign that we are at the pinnacle of our healing when we choose love over fear. Love is the ultimate destination of any healing journey – love for ourselves, those in the world around us, our purpose and the spirit housed within our bodies. Thank you for honoring your spirit and capacity to love – and thank you for inspiring other survivors by sharing this with us. Sending much love and many blessings your way! <3
A year free at this stage and despite the ongoing battles I’m glad I got here, 17 years after I met you.
We’ve got a broken legal system which allows you punish me every day still for speaking out because you’d prefer to see me homeless with our child rather than sell our home so we’re stuck under one roof until a court makes an order.
I’ve had every type of abuse possible but you don’t hurt me these days. I now know that the problems are all yours. I’m not stupid, fat, ugly, friendless, a bad mother, a horrible person – and a whole lot more that you continue to call me to this day, I’m a good person who deserves better and who is no longer bothered by the insults that come with every single sentence you utter.
I never deserved the blows you dealt, those injuries you’ve inflicted that you have told everybody were created purely in my mind and thankfully the police can now confirm that yes, you are a monster who does hit women.
I will be free of you one day soon, our child won’t have that luxury just yet but given that you don’t know how to be a father they’ll figure it out one day too. Your own family appear to have given up on you, your friends have realised you’d conned them too.
A charmer to the outside world, a monster behind closed doors. But I’m getting my life back and you, well given the nasty person you’ve become as you’ve got older it could be a long and lonely time ahead for you.
I won’t get those 17 years back and in fairness there were good times but unfortunately they were always sprinkled with badness and now I’m finally breaking free as nobody deserves to be controlled and already despite our ongoing battles I’m feeling free.
finallybreakingfree, thank you so much for sharing your beautifully written letter with us. You and your child deserve so much better and I am inspired by your strength. “A charmer to the outside world, a monster behind closed doors” indeed. I am deeply sorry you still have to live with your abuser, but I have faith in your ability to break free completely and live a life of victory. Keep moving forward and fighting for your right to live without abuse, shame, or the lies your abuser has fed you about yourself. You are a beautiful, strong, good person, as you already know. Blessings to you and your child on your journeys to healing and recovery <3
Dear abuser, it has been 8 years since I finally woke up and escaped your manipulation and both emotional and physical abuse. Even still I can’t get you totally out of my life due to the fact that you constantly try and use our children as weapons against me.Thankfully our oldest son has finally seen your true colors,even though I’m sad he had to experience your abuse firsthand. He is wise enough to never want anything to do with you again after realizing he was just a tool for you to use to hurt me. He has written a letter outlining your systamatic abuse and even telling him to put substances in my drinks to make me sick,getting him to lie to police and other authorities with false claims about me. Our youngest child is still wanting and hoping for a loving relationship with you, not able to realize that you are playing the same game with him that you did with his brother. You couldn’t even learn from your mistake the first time and still try the same old game of lies and manipulation. Make no mistake, I will not let you do this again with my youngest child and will fight you tooth and nail in the courts until we can finally be free of your poison in our lives. When that happens, I will finally be free of you completely and will never even look back or think about you at all.
Shelley, thank you for sharing your letter with us. You have been through a horrific emotional rollercoaster and I pray that you will get the guidance you need to keep fighting & thriving after your abuse, both in court and outside of court. Blessings to you and your children on your journeys to healing <3
You told me you deserved a commendation with stick with me for so long. When I tried to express sadness over my father’s death when you father was dying and I felt for him, you accused me of being jealous??? Then you walked out of the house and went missing for hours. You left me when I expressed anger and upset at the way your schedule ran and overran everything. You could not even wait for my dental work to be done before leaving to go on holiday, it was only a few days. When I was in pain following that dental work and trying to be silent so as not to awake you and hid in the bathroom you screamed at me and called me names. When I had period pain you said it was such a drag to be with me and I was ruining your happy day. You told me no one would ever love me the way you did or put up with me. When I showed empathy for your mother who was sick and in a home you got upset as you were not getting enough attention. When we visited my sister who was disabled in hospital and I held her hand as she cried, you got angry. You consistently ran over my feelings. Gave me the silent treatment when things did not go your way. Got angry when I showed you empathy. Ended the relationship because I spent time with family who needed me and then accused me of being insecure, flighty and screwed up. Moved on into an other relationship soon after and treated me like I did not exist. Not only that in order to discard me, you had to devalue me. I swallowed that devaluation. It lived inside my head for a few years. I still hear horrible things you said to me and its getting easier to believe it wasn’t true, that it was you who was damaged. Its taken me three years to say I am so glad it is over and you are gone from my life.
emergingfromthedarknight, thank you for being brave and sharing your letter with us. What you experienced was horrific devaluation and invalidation. I am very sorry you went through this. Indeed it is the abuser who is damaged and the new victim should be pitied. I am very happy you have paved the path to freedom and I wish you all the best in your journey to healing. <3
Thank you so much for commenting and for your thoughts, they mean a lot to me <3
Dear abuser,
I’m happier, more successful, confident, beautiful, and joyful since I left you.
Everyday is a gift; sweet and peaceful.
I smile and laugh with abandon; things you hated.
I have friends and friendships with men and women without worry. I have a sense of humor and I share it. I tell jokes, am on the receiving end of jokes, and never wonder if I’ll get in trouble for my folly.
I love life.
I am free.
You are more bitter, more alone, more depressed than ever before.
I don’t pity you.
I don’t hate you.
I rarely think about you. If I do accidentally let you into a piece of my day, I shake you off like a pesky fly and move my mind to a happier thought.
I’d say, “Enjoy your life” but I know you won’t so I will not waste my breath.
May God have mercy on your *demented, severely lacking* soul.
Sincerely,
Victim No More
Very Well said Mellisa!
Mellisa, thank you for sharing your letter, it was a pleasure to read. Happiness, confidence and success are your birthright. Every day of freedom is indeed a gift. Blessings to you on your journey <3
Dear Abuser,
How could you treat a child the way that you did? How could you tell a child it was a mistake, it never should have been born and then blame the child for your own mistakes? The child didn’t ask to be here, the child was an innocent. I understand, now, that you were a somewhat abused child, though your brother took far more abuse than you. I understand, now, that the abuse you dealt was what you learned from your father while your mother stood by and allowed it to happen. But it doesn’t change what you did to your child, it doesn’t excuse what happened to that child in the end.
How could you do this? How could you be so selfish as to take the child’s child away and make that grandchild choose between his mother and his grandmother? How could you be so selfish as to manipulate the kids and totally destroy another parent’s relationship because the mother made her own mistakes after your abuse left her shattered and empty, a shell looking for ANYTHING to fill it?
How could you come to the child’s wedding and welcome her back only to play the same games you played while she was growing up? How could you encourage her marriage to another abuser who, in the end, treated her like you did?
Did you smile, now, to think of the damage you did? Do you laugh at knowing that your child never knew her grandmother died because you refused to tell her, letting her find out a year later by accident? Do you find it amusing to leave in your mother’s obituary that she is survived by a son, daughter, and great-grandson but never mention your own child still lives? Is your child that dead to you that somehow your grandchild was born out of a flower or brought by some imaginary stork? Do you still laugh to think of her failed suicide attmepts, knowing that you were the cause and that every cut was an attempt to escape the hell you created for her?
I want to wish you harm, I want to wish that you die a miserable death, lonely and afraid and cold, friendless after others see what you have wrought. I want to call you a horrible old hag who is frightful and deceiving and a terrible person. I’m better than you, though. I won’t sink to your level but will rather rise above it like a dragonfly.
Dear Abuser, I forgive you, though I will never forget. I wish you the best in life, and I hope that someday, you will be able to see what an awesome person you created and miss that person being in your life. I hope someday you will see wha\at you chose to throw away and are reminded that the child you despised and loathed so much is prized and valued by others who can see her worth, who can see past mistakes to the person that lies with in. Like a cracked porcelain doll, she is glued together in a million places but the scars serve only to enhance her loveliness inside. maybe someday, you will come to see that in both your daughter and yourself, and maybe someday, you will be able to see yourself as you truly are.
Your daughter
That was a amazing letter. So on the point and so true. So hurtful and so empowering. I have written a few letters to “him” myself, never gave them to him off course – because what would that do in the end.. they don’t get it.
Love to you and everyone out there.
~LiliRose
My darling ex-wife,
I want to thank you for the years of your existence in my life. Without your physical/emotional/verbal/sexual abuse, emotional neglect, lack of appreciation and respect, I might still be in this marriage with you. Miserable, lonely, depressed and angry would still be my life. Because you could not control me anymore, you turned up the abuse for the last few months we were together, I was able to recognize what you were doing to me and I could finally walk away.
I want to thank you for teaching me a harsh lesson in life. With your constant criticism, I learned that someone who loves me would not take every chance they have to break me down without ever noticing or appreciating the positive and the uniqueness that I brought to our marriage. With your constant defense of everyone else, no matter how they made me feel, you taught me that someone who loves me would at least TRY to understand that I am hurt instead of running to defend everyone else. With your constant humiliating comments, I learned that someone who loves me would not try to hurt me emotionally and would stop when I told them that it was not funny. Without you calling me selfish for going to therapy and trying to improve myself, I never would have learned that you were the one who was selfish because you didn’t want me to have confidence and self-respect. You wanted control over me.
Without the years of taking care of your sick father, your family, your kids and you, I would have never known that when I needed you to support me, you refused to be there for me as I was there for you and your family. It’s not that you couldn’t, you chose not to. Without seeing how you abandoned me emotionally during my time of need, I would still believe your lies. Your actions showed a woman who was not in love with me, but only loved what I provided. You taught me that a one way relationship is not acceptable.
Without seeing how your oldest daughter is now a complete carbon-copy of you, I would have thought that she was still a genuinely good person as she used to be. As I realize that she has your manner of speech, your bitterness and anger, your manipulation skills and your attitude, I realize that you have taught her how to be you… Or more accurately, the false self that you show to the world. You both are living behind the mask of sanity which very few people have seen behind. I, and your first ex-husband have seen who and what you really are. Others have had glimpses of it, but you cover your *mistakes* very well. You have created damaged children that will suffer unless they break from you. They need to be away from your abuse so that they can be who they are, not what you expect them to be.
Without seeing your face change in an instant from rage and anger to a look of kindness, I would not know what you really are. Without staying calm during the long berating sessions, I would never have realized that you were projecting your own feelings on to me. You blamed me for having emotions and feelings, using empty words to manipulate me into accepting things that I would never have accepted before I met you.
Without your attempts at regaining control over me when I left, I would have never seen that you didn’t care about me as a person. Without that email you sent me, I would not have known that I was nothing but an object to you. Without your lies that you told to many people, and the multiple versions of your lies, I would not have had the strength to go ahead with the divorce. Without your attempts to use and manipulate my family against me, I would still be with you.
Thank you for becoming very aggressive, controlling and nasty towards me. It allowed me something that I haven’t had within the 10 years of knowing you. It allowed me freedom. Freedom to choose a life of positivity, faith, friendships and love. Freedom to put myself in charge of my life. Freedom to be who I am, not what you wanted me to be.
Thank you for ignoring my pain. When I woke up crying one morning when you looked at me with disgust in your eyes, a nasty tone in your voice saying that you needed to go to work, I accepted it. Recently, when I left you and emotionally broke down the next morning, I called my friend… Crying and barely able to speak one word, my friend was with me in 15 minutes. My friend showed me more Christian love than you ever did during our entire marriage. You showed me by example of what love isn’t and gave me the opportunity to see what love is through another person.
I want to thank you for the multiple affairs that you had. Without your backstabbing, manipulating and lying, I might still believe that you are a good woman. I might still believe your story of how your youngest daughter was conceived. However, after being the recipient of your cheating, you gave me the gift of what signs are there when your partner is with others behind your back. You gave me the understanding that intuition is powerful and real. I knew what you were doing, I created my own story so that I could sit in denial of the sexual abuser that you are. I know I was only a masturbation device for you, not a partner.
Thank you for driving me to a point of suicide. Without hitting bottom, I would have never been out of options and nowhere to go but up. Without being a day away from my attempt, I would not have the faith in God that I do today, I would not have the strength to survive your attacks, I would not have the bond with God, family and friends that saved my life. Thank you for showing me that you didn’t love me, it allowed me to turn to the ones that do.
Thank you for playing mind games with me. I am now far more mentally strong than I ever was. I will no longer accept lies as truth, empty promises, covert abuse and sexual manipulation. What you did to me is immoral, cruel, sadistic and inhumane. Thank you for what you did to me, I can prevent it from happening again.
Thank you for all of your abuse. I could not be who I am today without experiencing the worst from you. I could not grow into the man I am today. I am a warrior. I am in pursuit of honor, courage, strength, peace and love. I will obtain balance within myself and I will love and be loved. I will give to this world freely what you tried to remove from my character. I will succeed while you rot inside yourself with your anger and hatred towards the world. I will give more than I take, I will stand with honor, I will defend those who cannot defend themselves, I will make a positive mark on this world and on others.
Thank you for the complications during our divorce. It made me stronger. When you lied to others, I learned that your words have no more power over me. Thank you for not attempting to be fair during property resolution, you showed the court that I was a reasonable person and you were bitter and resentful. Thank you for lying to so many others, I no longer am desperate for relationships with people you manipulated. Thank you for walking out on your responsibilities. After the divorce was final, I could bring solid proof to others about your lies and manipulation.
Thank you for teaching me that I was a dependent personality type. When we met, I needed your control, your berating and your manipulation. Without understanding what brought me to you, I would be repeating my own dysfunctional pattern. I know now who I was and why. I have grown from that person and now love myself for who I am. I am no longer desperate for love and attention. I love myself in a very genuine and healthy way. I accept my mistakes, I grow every day through introspection, faith and positive relationships.
I forgive your actions but I will never forget the lessons you taught me. I refuse to spend my time hating you, however I will never love you. I pray that your daughters will stop the cycle, that they will wake up one day and learn that life is meant to be lived with honesty and integrity, not manipulation and abuse. I believe you are far too gone to have redemption but they still have a chance. Allow them to be who God intended them to be, not what you manipulate them into being. They are not objects, they are people. They are capable of love, compassion, empathy and more. You are not. Let them go. Let them explore who they are, let them reach their potential, let them be human.
To my ex-wife’s sisters – I believe you are similar to your sister. All but one of you are the same. You were hurt as children, you created a protective shell around yourself because of what you suffered through, but inside you are mean, abusive and ugly people. You have husbands that you control, humiliate and disrespect. I’ve seen you do it. You’ve done it in private and public settings. They are not ready to get out yet, they might not even know that they should leave because you have created trauma bonds with them. They will get out, but maybe not in the same way that I did.
To my ex-wife’s brother –You did horrible things to your sister(s). Unforgivable. I cannot judge, but your day of judgment will come. You will have to face the evil you did. I have no proof, however I believe you damaged all of them. No wonder you weren’t around when your father was alive. He was ashamed of you.
To both of my step-daughters – I am not running from my mistakes. I was not prepared for our life together. I did many things wrong with both of you, I was not always a good person and I was not always a good man. I want to address you individually next.
Oldest daughter – I believe you don’t know what you do. I believe being raised by your mother, you have been manipulated, instructed and trained to be the “golden child” in her life. She made this decision early on, and never gave you the chance to walk the path that God has in store for you. She wants you to be like her, she then has a companion in her manipulation, abuse and misery. You are an unwilling partner to her abuse. Your actions are not your own, they are hers. Just like my actions were. I remember you at 13, I remember the happy child. I remember the child that had hopes and dreams for the future, I remember how you used to smile, how you loved to talk and interact. I love the real you, I care about the real you and I pray that one day you will fulfill your destiny. I pray that God will come into your life, the Spirit will direct you to the greatness that is in store for you. I pray that you will be able to love and be loved. I don’t care if I ever see your success or know about it, I only pray that you will have it. Be who you are, not what your mother created you to be.
To her youngest daughter – I am sorry. I failed you. I did not protect you. I cannot make up for my mistakes and failures, but I assure you that I have learned from them. I wish you the best in your life, your future and I love you. Please learn to love your children as God loves all of us. Be the best version of yourself, God will show you the path when you seek Him. Fame and fortune are not what you should seek, material riches will never equal the intangibles of your children receiving your love and giving back ten fold. I know what you use as an escape from the memories and the pain. I did it as well. It allows you to exist and takes the anger and resentment away, you feel like YOU again. I get it, I was there. Find a therapist who specializes in treating children of emotionally abusive parents and treatment of PTSD. You have experienced both. Therapy will help you. I wish you healthy relationships with God, family and friends. I send my love to your children as well.
To her first ex-husband – Man, I fucked up. I wish I could buy you a beer and be able to look you in the eyes and apologize to you. You experienced horrible things with this woman, losing your children in this way is a heartbreak that I could never understand or experience. You are a strong man and I have much respect for you. I wish I would have realized this earlier on. If you see this and you would give me the time to meet, I would like that opportunity. I am in no position to ask you for anything, however I need to ask you for this. If your oldest daughter comes to you for help because she has realized what her life is, do not turn her away. Extend love, patience and understanding. Support her recovery and therapy. She is strong enough to fight her way out of this if she chooses. She will struggle, she will go through a wide range of emotions but she has the potential to succeed. See that potential, nurture it and love her through this process. It will be difficult for all of you. She may never realize any of this, she might be too programmed and controlled to ever be human again. Very sad.
Darling ex-wife, I believe that you will find another person like me, and like your first husband. I understand your pattern, I know the stories. I also believe that you’ll lose another husband because of the same patterns that you have shown twice before. My condolences to your next victim. My prayers are with your victims who are your family, friends and coworkers. One day, they will realize what you are.
In closing darling ex-wife, I don’t know if you’ll ever see this and I do not care. I know if you read this, you would deny any wrongdoing, it is who you are. You are able to charm your way through life, reading people and exploiting their weaknesses for your own personal gain and sadistic pleasure. You spark emotional responses in others, denying facts and never facing your own actions and responsibility. You are an incredible actress. You will be found out, you cannot hide your true self forever.
To my step-daughters and her first husband – I wish you all well. I am sorry for my mistakes, and I realize that no words can ever repay the damage that has been inflicted on you and your families. I cannot repay you, however I promise that I will use my life to help others who may be in this or a similar situation.
To anyone else that does see this, I hope you can use this to help others who may be in an abusive relationship/marriage. They need your help, love and support. Abuse does not have a gender, race or sexual preference. Emotional and verbal abuse creates scars that are not visible nor easily healed. It might be your family, friends, co-workers or some random stranger on the street. Sometimes all it can take to keep that person alive and moving forward is a kind word, a smile, a genuine interest in how they are feeling.
Love others as you love yourself. You never know whose life you might save by being kind.
God bless.
I think that was amazing . Your amazing.Thank you .
Sebastien… or “S.”
I was your “petite Sophie”, “mi corazon”, your “sweetie”, your “Aussie girl”. I “restored your faith in humanity” and “helped you regain the confidence you’d lost through inaction”. You claimed I should come work on the same project as you, come visit you, that you missed me and would always make time for me. You claimed to love my point of view and found it refreshing. And you did that for YEARS. You instigated a relationship, drowned me in communication and were persistent.
You made it clear in your words and actions that you wanted to be with me. Then one day when I needed your emotional support you brushed me off and defended the person making my life hell. You started communicating less and less, you became hot and cold, got defensive, started blame shifting, started gas lighting me and making me feel I was over sensitive, over emotional, “crazy”, “dumb” “delusional”. Claimed I was psychoanalyzing you, mocked by beliefs, made me feel “small” and “deficient”, brushed off my concerns and started acted like a stranger or someone with amnesia.
None of the things you were saying were true. They were the words of a coward, a commitment phobe, someone immature and unwilling to do some self-reflection and do the work necessary to “do better”, “fix things”, “make amends”, “make things right”. It’s much easier to mock, ridicule, rage, plot revenge, smear my reputation and convince others I’m the one who is in the wrong. I tried discuss all of this with DIRECTLY for years and got nowhere. Nothing was ever resolved, nothing ever changed.
You adore reproaching others for their faults but you’re unwilling to acknowledge and work on your own. A man approaching his 50’s who can not see the havoc he is wrecking….no amount of compassion, kindness, understanding or loyalty on my part is ever going to fix that. I’m far too busy loving and caring for those that love me. What a shame. What a waste of time. What a waste of energy. What a waste of love, care and concern.
Your “petite S”.
Dear Sophie,
I WAS my abusers ” little s”………. That was his nickname for me…..he chose it and said it meant ” little submissive”………I left 2 weeks ago and thank God everyday, many times, for opening my mind up to his abuse. God bless you❤️
Bonnie
This chapter of my life is over…… I must leave…..my soul is at stake
No more confusion
No more silence
No more cruel words
No more disrespect
No more devaluing
No more telling me how I feel about about things
No more criticizing me , my relationships, my family, my friends, my choices
No more deliberately trying to sabotage my joyful moments
No more throwing your wedding ring
No more not being able to tell you things for fear of your reaction
No more feeling lonely
No more empty promises
No more keeping score of anything
No more feeling like things are being withheld from me
No more squelching my joy and happiness
No more twisting my words
No more you telling me I’m too sensitive
No more you telling me I’m an ungrateful person
No more you telling me I’m the most selfish person you’ve ever met
No more Jekyll and Hyde
No more submission to you
No more sex without intercourse- (feeling as if I’m just an object)
No more feeling like I owe you
No more guns and knives stacked in my corners, my drawers, lying around loosely in my home
No more cigarette smoke in my home
No more worrying about drinking your sprite,eating your crackers or your candy
No more of you throwing dog poop and dirty napkins at me
Think what you may, it’s not my problem to try and fix anymore….I have figured it out……I’m tired of trying to move the Boulder (you)…….no more emotional and verbal abuse from you……my husband, who once vowed to love, cherish and protect me.
I am choosing love, respect , peace and joy.
I thank God for opening my eyes, my mind and my heart to reveal what has really been going on here.
The NO CONTACT rule is in effect as of right now. If you must contact me, my PO Box is
Dear Abuser, Even though you’ve convinced mutual friends that you are the victim and that I’m an over reactive and jealous ex, you have no power over me. I don’t need people like that in my life. and I don’t need you.